Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.
Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.
Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.
Q: If my instructor is not raptured, is he really fit to judge me?
A: Yes, seeing as you were not raptured, you are still subject to the earthly judgment of the unsaved. If/when you are redeemed, a change of grade form will be automatically processed by heavenly authorities if they decide your grade was unfairly given by one of the damned.
Q: If my computer crashes and my printer breaks and there is no email on account of the rapture, will I be able to get an extension on the paper?
A: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and your printer should continue to work the way they always have: sporadically.
Q: How will the rapture affect your curving, particularly if raptured students are exempt from final tests/papers?
A: Final grades are not curved, but students who are taken up in the rapture will be given incompletes, just in case.
“If someone suggested the idea of public libraries now, they’d be considered insane. If you said you were going to take a little bit of money from every taxpayer, buy a whole load of books and music and games, stick them on a shelf and tell everyone, ‘These are yours to borrow and all you’ve got to do is bring them back,’ they’d be laughed out of government.”—
After Meghan McCain wore a revealing dress in a skin-cancer PSA, Glenn Beck launched a vicious tirade about her body—suggesting she wear a burqa and saying the idea of her naked made him want to vomit. In an open letter to Beck, McCain asks if this is the legacy he wants to leave his daughters.
Dear Mr. Beck,
I am writing to thank you for helping me spread the word about a serious condition.
A few months ago, I filmed a PSA for skin-cancer awareness where I posed in a strapless Juicy dress to appear “naked,” as a metaphor for the dangers of going out in the sun without sunscreen. I thought that pretending to be naked (even if I only disrobed to my collar bone) would hopefully call attention to skin cancer, a disease that both my parents have suffered from.
But the thing is, Glenn, I wasn’t really naked, and I know the idea of me being naked caused you to vomit on your radio show for 10 minutes. You suggested I should wear a burqa, since you believe that’s probably the only clothing that could possibly fit me. By the way, you should really see a doctor because it isn’t normal to vomit for that long.
While you’re at the doctor’s office, why not get checked for moles on your skin to make sure you don’t have any signs of skin cancer? Skincancer.org suggests, “Throughout the year, you should examine your skin head to toe once a month, looking for any suspicious lesions. Self-exams can help you identify potential skin cancers early, when they can almost always be completely cured.”
While we’re on the subject of you vomiting on air, maybe we should have a little talk. Clearly you have a problem with me, and possibly women in general, but the truth is, it’s 2011 and I heard your show on Fox was canceled. Isn’t that an indication that the era of the shock-jock pundit is over? Don’t you think that’s a sign you should be pulling it back a little? I mean, if you’re too conservative and outrageous for Fox, that should tell you something. There really is no need to make something like my participation in a skin-cancer PSA into a sexist rant about my weight and physical appearance, because I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Glenn: you are the only one who looks bad in this scenario, and at the end of the day you have helped me generate publicity for my skin-cancer PSA, a cause that I feel quite passionate about.
You’re a full-grown man with teenage daughters who are probably dealing with the sexist, body-obsessed media environment that is difficult for all women. Is this really the legacy you want to be leaving for yourself?
As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women. If any of your daughters are ever faced with some kind of criticism of their physical appearance or weight, they should call me, because women’s body image is another issue I feel passionate about, and have become accustomed to dealing with and speaking with young women about on my college tours.
So thanks for spreading the word, Glenn. And next time, instead of jumping straight to the “Meghan McCain fat jokes,” maybe try out some new material. Because the fat-joke thing, it’s been done so many times, I know a creative intellect such as yourself can do better than that.
Though I may not be fond of her father, this lady is quality.
Fucking A, Meghan, but you are one classy woman. ♥
'Toshiba elevators,' said Artemis, reading from a pamphlet he had picked up at information. 'These are the fastest elevators in the world. We are moving at eighteen metres per second, so it shouldn't take much more than half a minute to reach the eighty-ninth floor.'
Artemis consulted his watch when the doors dinged open.
'Hmm. Right on time. Impressive engineering. I may get one of these for the house.'
From Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony. Made me think of my brother, haha.
It’s interesting re-reading the Artemis Fowl books. They uh, don’t really stand the test of time that well, but the characters and their friendships are adorable. At the very least they make a nice, light read. ♥